Star Whores
by leyvaland
Summary: Star Whores is a comedy in the Original Trilogy timeline. Please R&R! Second chapter now up!
1. Episode 1

**STAR WHORES**

By Nick Leyva

It was a hot Tatooine afternoon for Luke Skywalker and his sister, Princess Leyva. The sun glistened off the sand like headlights off a bicycle. The sand dunes in the background blurred from the sweltering heat waves. The personal sail barge of the most notorious Hutt in the Galaxy, Jerick the Hutt, sailed slowly over the sand surface of the planet en route to the Sarlacc pit. It was here that he planned to feed Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Chewbacca to the endless stomach of the Sarlacc. The numerous thieves and bandits that traveled with Jerick moved about with enthusiasm for the day's events. The talk had grown above a murmur and was just below shouting level; such was the level of excitement.

"A Jedi! Jerick caught a Jedi!" a Bothan murmured to a Rodian. "Eh, I could catch a Jedi if I wanted," the Rodian replied.

The Sail Barge reached the Sarlacc pit and circled around to be on the opposite side of the pit as the skiff on which the prisoners were being held. As Luke, Han, and Chewbacca were made to stand up and walk to the edge of the skiff, a large cheer erupted from the audience.

Jerick the Hutt, with his bulbous, greasy body, sat by a window on his barge. His putrid smell filled the room. The room, unlike the hostile environment outside, was relatively cool. It resembled a bit of a cage with bars crossing every which way serving as walls. Chained to him was the beautiful, yet fierce, Princess Leyva, wearing only a shiny metal bikini. Jerick, in his deep, gravely, voice, said to Leyva in Huttese, "Princess, come over here. Let me take off your bikini." Leyva, her body language signaling that she was un-amused, didn't move, but rather turned her head and snapped back., "No, you fat pig. How many times do I have to tell you? The day I sleep with you is the day Triton fistfucks the Little Mermaid."

Jerick was not used to groveling.

"Princess, I'm an icon in the smuggling community."

"Shove it, toad face."

The cheering outside grew louder, something was happening. Jerick was uninterested, and fed up. He had _asked_ her to sleep with him, and she had said no. His kindness wore thin. He used his thick chubby arms to grab Leyva's chain and pull on it. Leyva stumbled a bit and turned to see Jerick slowly pulling her towards him. Leyva tried pushing against the floor to counteract Jerick's pulling, but she knew it was no use. Jerick got what Jerick wanted, and with an ego like that, there was no saying no. Jerick, having pulled Leyva's face right up next to his, stuck out his giant tongue and began to lick Leyva's face. Leyva pushed away, but there was no point in struggling. If Jerick wasn't given what he wanted, he would take it. The slimy Hutt reached around to Leyva's back and began to unclasp her metal bra…

Suddenly, the flares of a jetpack illuminated the room, and an armored man burst in through the window. He quickly shot Jerick in the tail, and while he recoiled, the man grabbed Leyva, shot the chain imprisoning her, and ran to the other side of the room with her.

The armor on the man, although thick, still clearly showed the well defined muscles underneath. He clearly had taken the care to make sure he was a top psychical specimen. Leyva felt a tightening in her metal bikini, which was strange, because until she was thought to have female genitalia. Sweat poured down her body, such was her state of arousal. She unlatched the mask of the man that had saved her, removed it, and gasped at his beauty. The dark wisps of his hair came down to just above the eyes on his impish face. His nose delicately curved on his face; the color of creame. His eyes had a bit of deviousness to him, and his mouth looked large enough to accommodate the largest of objects. Leyva couldn't see it, but she sensed that underneath the armor he was wearing some very trendy and expensive clothes. He smiled, and her world melted. She knew of this man who had saved her: she had seen him before on wanted poster on Alderaan. He was certainly the most beautiful boy in the galaxy. He was the most famous bounty hunter in the Outer Rim: **Boba Fetienne.**

Suddenly, but with delicacy, Boba turned Leyva around, ripped off her metal bikini and started plowing the shit out of her. Leyva started to cry; all of her dreams had come true.

Jerick, sitting as a horrified witness to all this, slithered over towards them, leaving a trail of slime behind him. Boba and Leyva saw him moving towards them. Thinking quickly, Fetienne turned Leyva towards the Hutt and started pounding her harder. As the Hutt grew closer, so grew the furiosity of the penetration. Leyva could finally feel Jerick breathe on her face; her body tensed and Fetienne released her from his penal grasp, and pulled her backwards. Princess Leyva's semen flew up and into Jerick's eye. As he was reeling from the shot, Boba grabbed the chain attached to the Princess' foot and together they ran around Jerick with it, catching it around his neck. The slug sputtered, and started to choke. Fetienne and Leyva met on the other side and started making out to the acoustic sounds of Jerick being strangled to death.

Suddenly, the choking stopped. Jerick the Hutt got a quizzical look on his face and then said, "Hmm, do you think it would be inappropriate to walk up to a 12 year old girl and say to her, 'Yo trick, yo pussy is ripe for pounding'?". Fetienne pulled his tongue out of Leyva's mouth and cocked his head towards him. There was a brief pause, before the Princess responded, "I think it's alright. You know, that's what _my_ father said to me all the time before he took me. Where do you think all my babies came from?" Fetienne turned his head back to the Princess. "What babies?" he asked.

….

….

The Princess had never heard Boba Fetienne's voice up until this point, and she wondered why no one had ever told her that he represented the lollipop guild.

….

….

"These babies!" exclaimed the Princess as she stripped off her bra. Instead of normal breasts, like humans have, she had mounds of baby parts sticking out of her chest. It was a grotesque concoction of arms and legs and eyes and noses, all lumped onto protruding mounds of flesh. The limbs all squirmed and writhed, grasping for the air. Shocked by the sudden light, the eyes all closed and the mouths started yelling and crying out. Boba Fetienne started making out with one of the breast baby mouths. He wondered exactly where it was that his tongue was going. He quickly put the thought out of his mind, as it is hard to be an incorrigible slut and also question your morals at the same time.

Jerick the Hutt, seizing on the others' distraction time, slithered over and grabbed Boba by the arm. Boba, enjoying his infant mammary gland makeout session, refused to be distracted by the Hutt pulling viciously on his arm, until the baby mouth he was enjoying bit down viciously on his tongue. Blood seeping out of his mouth, he quickly realized that his arm was about to be pulled from it's socket, and that he would need to do something _immediately_ if he wished to have his arm in the future!

Fetienne pulled out his cell phone and slowly dialed a number. Luckily it was Jesus'. The rapture happened; Jesus came back and killed all three of them for being homosexuals.

End of times, revelations, apocalypse, etc. etc.

………………………………………….…fin


	2. Episode 2

**Star Whores**

**Episode 2: The Empire Strikes Blacks**

By Nick Leyva

_Revelation 20:11_

"_And the end of days shall happen as told by Him. The apocalypse will be a day in which every bulbous space slug is brought to the justice of the lord, and other than that, nothing will change. So speaketh the Lord, and so it shall be. Basketball."_

It was a typical Manhattan morning in Coronet. You know what that is like so I don't need to go into detail. After the previous week's trauma, Princess Leyva and the bounty hunter Boba Fetienne were ready for some sweet, sweet relaxation in the city. A six day stay on the top floor of the Coronet Motel, the Corolex, was in order. They got the honeymoon suite.

Marriage was constantly on the minds of Princess Leyva and Boba Fetienne. So strong was their attraction, so solid their chemistry, that even moments apart were pain beyond belief. The only things preventing them from officially symbolizing their love were: a.) she was a high class princess, and he was a low class bounty hunter; b.) different-sex marriage was illegal on Coronet. (Because different sex marriage is fucking disgusting.)

Princess Leyva's flowing white dress was much more tasteful then her old chains were. Plus the dress didn't leave marks if she had sex on top of an oven. Her hair was curled up into tight buns that rested snugly against her head. She wore a tight utility belt that properly displayed her figure. In it she carried a variety of personal aids. You know how these things go: pregnancy tests, makeup, vagina sticks. Those sorts of things.

After 4 peaceful days in the Corolex, the Princess awoke to Boba, still in his trademark armor, packing up his things into his jetpack. Insecurity hit her like a shovel: had she done something? had she not done something? was Boba no longer satisfied with making out with her baby-infested tumor breasts?

She vocalized her concerns, "Boba, why are you leaving?" It was a simple statement. Boba continued to pack, and after a moment, turned his head to her and said, "Hmppffghffghhffhgtphtfhgthfffragghptfhrgf."

Then he took his helmet off…

"I have to go. Even though Jerick the Hutt is dead, I still have to carry out my final order. It's part of the Bounty Hunter code of honor. My escort will be here in an hour."

Princess Leyva felt her heart sink into her legs. Then she started flexing her legs and since that was where her heart was, her heart beat _extra fast _and she could fly!! But then she came back down. Fetienne was leaving her…

"But what will happen to us?" she asked.

Boba stopped packing and walked over to the bed and sat down next to her. He looked into her eyes. "Hmpjkfggfpph." Why had he put his helmet back on? He took it off and took her hand.

"There will always be an 'us', Leyva, and you don't have to worry about it. I love you with all my heart, and nothing can ever stop that. Not even death."

The doorbell rang, and Boba moved to open it. It was the escort, arrived earlier than expected. He was a tall Wookie. He also happened to be one the smelliest Wookie ever. His mangy dark red hair flowed down his body like sewage through the sewer. He was tall, which meant nothing except that there was more body that stunk. He let out a cry, one of the patented features of a Wookie, but while most Wookie cries are fierce and proud, his sounded more like someone kicking a drunken Senator to death. He was the lowliest, ugliest, smelliest, most pathetic Wookie of all time: **Jerbacca**.

He had to get a job as an escort because his family disowned him.

"The escort is here early. I've got to go."

"Do you know where you're going?"

"No."

"Do you know when you'll be back?"

"No."

"……

I want to come with you."

Boba froze and turned to her. He didn't want her to come, in general; he wanted her to be safe. It was dangerous wherever he was going, he knew that. If anything happened to her he would be crushed… and…

"Alright, you can come along."

As the Millennium Falcon pulled into the hangar bay of the Death Star, things looked eerily dormant. Jerbacca let out one of his famous retarded sounding Wookie calls. "I know, Jerbacca," said Boba. No one had attempted to stop their entry into the hangar. In fact, the hangar had mysteriously opened, as if inviting them to enter! If they were all collectively a bit smarter they probably wouldn't have entered. Oh, well... The ship set gently down onto the reflective black floor of the hangar. Boba and Jerbacca turned and started walking to the back of the ship, Princess Leyva followed. The ship was quite intricate in it's corridor design. Finally they reached a room shaped like a rectangle. "This is the armament room, pick out a gun that suits you."

Jerbacca walked over to a panel and appeared to type in a few digits. Suddenly, all of the compartments opened. The backlighting of the compartments illuminated the weapons of the ship. They weren't guns, they were rows and rows of kittens. Real live kittens. Pretty ones, with soft, pettable fur. Princess Leyva shot a puzzled look in Boba's direction. "What do you intended to do? Kill them with fluffy softness?" Fetienne looked at Leyva, and droned, "Yes."

Armed with nothing of any use, the three Republic freedom fighters deboarded the ship. Things were very quiet and calm off the ship. A low buzzing noise was all there was to be heard. They approached a corridor, with the army of kittens behind them. Suddenly, the door flew open, revealing a long, long corridor filled with Stormtroopers. The Stormtroopers immediately shot all of the kittens dead and ate them for supper.

A ridiculous amount of fighting followed. Seriously, it was a lot. I could describe the battles in detail to you, but by the time I got done the Sun will have frozen into a solid and I would be very cold. Nick Leyva's main weakness, after disco and synthesizers, is cold. Everyone knows that. …so… a lot of battling. Just picture it in your mind. Some guns, some people die. No one of importance, really. Wait, imagine that instead of Jango Fett they had cloned Rip Torn to make the Stormtroopers. Then they would be called… **Torntroopers!! **Did you hear he got arrested recently? Man, the mug shot was funny looking!! Oh… did you see Gary's picture in the Little Shop program? It looked like it could have been his mugshot. Seriously, go look at it. Have you ever been arrested, dear reader? If **YES**, turn to page 34. If **NO**, continue reading. _Suri Cruise._

Eventually, after enough death to satiate even Hitler, our three heroes reached the end of the corridor. A door adorned with intricate jewels lay at it. As they approached, the door flew open to reveal the Throne Room- a room with walls of grey hues mixed with stripes of blue. A room littered with shelves of weapons along the walls: swords, vibroblades, blasters. An ornate, spacious room with three large windows that looked out into the stars beyond it.

The Death Star's interior was cold and calculating, as was it's Emperor.

Boba Fetienne led the party in. They had formed a line, Boba handling threats to the right, Princess Leyva taking care of threats to the left, and Jerbacca taking threats from behind(!). Suddenly, a flash came from the right and caught Boba in the throat. He dropped his blaster and sputtered and collapsed to the ground.

Princess Leyva silently ran to him, pulling his crumpled body into her arms. Jerbacca stood where he was because he is useless. Boba trembled, the hole through his neck clearly fatal. Boba started coughing up blood. A rush of thoughts came to Leyva as she realized that this was the end of her and Fetienne.

He looked up to her, and spoke: "Go on without me…"

Princess Leyva looked into the love of her life's eyes and smacked him across the face. This was the end of them, and the best he could come up with was, 'go on without me.' "That's what everyone says, you dumb bitch!" she screamed. Boba's body started trembling even harder, and then he reached out his hand and smacked _her _in the face. "Don't call me a bitch, you whore."

Those were his last words as the trembling suddenly stopped, and he died in her arms.

Tears came quickly to Princess Leyva. Her world seemed to be spiraling down around her. She became ignorant of her surroundings, and did not notice the dark, cloaked figure that stepped up beside her.

Jerbacca started to urinate on himself, as he often does, and only when Leyva caught the smell did she look up: to reprimand him. Her head moved to Jerbacca, her hair staying stationary, and noticed something in the corner of her eye. She moved her head a bit further and saw the figure of menace…

The man who stood beside her was dressed completely in black. Black boots, black gloves, black cape, black chestplate. He wore a helmet resembling the headpiece of a samurai, but it closed on the front, covering the eyes with black glass. A portion in front of the mouth protruded greatly but gently, and from it came a heavy breathing sound. She was not sure how she had not noticed the breathing earlier. Perhaps in our own emotion we are all oblivious to our surroundings.

She knew who he was: **Darth Loder.**

Her emotions turned from sadness to anger. She began shouting.

"THE ONLY PERSON I LOVED IS DEAD!!"

Loder said nothing.

"HE'S DEAD. HE'S GONE."

Loder said nothing.

"DON'T YOU CARE?! MY BEST FRIEND DIED!!"

Loder said nothing.

"SAY SOMETHING!"

Leyva's best friend had just died and Loder wouldn't even say a fucking thing to her. What a bitch.

"I'm glad he's dead."

Princess Leyva turned, for the words had come not from Darth Loder, but from a voice behind her. It was a sinister voice, a voice that had many years ago lost the knowledge of the emotion of love. The cold syllables rung through the room with an air of superiority and dominance. He was draped all in black, wearing a black cloak. It came down over his hands, and enshrouded his face.

Jerbacca defecated all over himself. The man in black turned to him, and spoke, "Jerbacca is an icon in the pant shitting community."

Princess Leyva lay Boba Fetienne's body down on the ground. She stood and walked over to the man. "You're the one that killed him, aren't you?"

"I kill all things that are in 'love'. Love is a hollow emotion, perpetrated only by the naïve and foolish." He looked her up and down. "You happen to be both."

"I _loved_ him, and now he's dead!!!" Leyva screamed at him.

The man in black spoke. "Love is a great paradox. If it is supposed to bring good, then why does it hurt so much when it leaves?!" His body grew stiff and enamored. His fanaticism began to show. His fury grew. His anger radiated around him like an aura. "YOU KNOW NOTHING, LEYVA! I AM THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF KNOWING WHAT IS CORRECT! I AM THE ALMIGHTY! I AM THE ONE RIGHTFUL RULER AND YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE IT!!"

With that he motioned his hand and sent Leyva flying back across the room. His powers were strong, but Princess Leyva's determination was stronger. She stood back up, and grabbed a vibroblade off a shelf that had toppled when she was flung across the room.

"No, I'm not the one who killed him. He is."

The man in black lifted his arm up. The cloak fell back, revealing a stark blue lifeless hand. Ravaged by years of being controlled by the dark side, the blood was clearly visible pumping through his veins. The finger pointed to Darth Loder.

Princess Leyva ran at a full sprint towards Loder and drove her vibroblade through his chestplate. A loud gasping sound was heard, and sparks came from his chestplate. He dropped to his knees, and then fell to the ground next to Fetienne.

Jerbacca and Princess Leyva stood in stunned silence. The man in black stood calmly. Princess Leyva lifted Boba Fetienne's corpse into her arms and ran out the door that they came in through. She ran back down the corpse-y corridor back to the Millennium Falcon. She rested Boba's corpse in the co-piolt's chair. "Jerbacca, ready the hyperdrive." There was no response. "Jerbacca… Jer…" Princess Leyva realized Jerbacca hadn't come with her out of the Throne Room.

There was no time for waiting. Princess Leyva started the ship, and in a matter of seconds was out of the hanger. No one attempted to follow her.


End file.
